Toddler Big Feelings…. For Them and Us

The toddler phase is a short and precious time in our children’s lives. It only lasts from about 12 months (technically whenever they start toddling) to 36 months. Two years at most. This is a time of massive development including more physical capabilities and their search (demand?) for more age appropriate autonomy. Toddlers get such a bad rap! Their behavior gets labeled as “terrible” and “dramatic” all too frequently. Our culture seems to have this idea that you just have to “get through” the terrible twos and then things will be better. I feel like that is such a disservice to not just our toddlers but parents of toddlers. I wish all parents could appreciate the toddler phase as a time of self exploration and development. A time when, yes, our trips to the store, or around the block, or even to the other room can take muuuuuuuch longer than they used to take.  But, if we allow for this, our children are learning that their desires (within reason) matter, that their natural curiosity and observations can be practiced instead of stifled, and that we are happy and willing to stop and smell the roses with them. To be in connection with them and their interests which will continue the strong foundation in our relationships that will support us in the moments of struggle and disconnect. 

Of course, toddlers get their bad reputation from all the big feelings they are starting to have. Their brains are developing so quickly and they are becoming aware of more bodily sensations, emotions, and the world around them. Toddlers are very egocentric and want to do what they want to do when they want to do it. Of course they feel frustrated when they can’t. Toddlerhood can also be a time of parental frustration because they can assert themselves better than they could just a few short months ago as a baby. This frustration is normal. But not the feelings we are usually comfortable admitting to when talking with friends and other moms at the park. So we often don’t, and when we as the adults feel the big feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment, despair, anxiety, etc. we think we are the only terrible parent feelings these big emotions. But we are not. You are not. 

For me, coming to terms with the fact that I am raising an entirely different human from myself has helped reduce some of the  frustration I have experienced. I have friends who feel the root of their frustration during this phase is that they appear to be parenting a carbon copy of their hard headed self. I get angry and frustrated when things take so long that we end up being late (because punctuality is a value of mine) or when my child doesn’t do what I say when I say it. But when I take a deep breath, or just a sip of coffee, I remember that I am the one with problem solving skills and the way I manage my expectations, and the emotions follow, is how he will begin to manage his own expectations and emotions. 

So, today, I thought I would share some parenting strategies that are evidenced based, which means they have been studied and proven to help many parent/child dyads, not just from my personal experience. But I can vouch that, as someone who has practiced these skills with other people’s kids for at least a decade, they have been helpful in my parent/child relationship as well. 

Slow it down/ adult self regulation- the adult in the relationship is the only one who is capable of self regulation at the stage of development! Toddlers still need co-regulation (help with regulating themselves with the help of a regulated adult) so it’s you who needs to bring the calm to the relationship. A child who doesn’t have co-regulation will spiral into a meltdown. That doesn’t mean a child with a co-regulator will always keep it together, but it will greatly help. It also means that if a child is not shown co-regulation by a calm adult it will take them muuuuch longer to develop the self regulation skill for themselves.  

Wait 10 seconds- this one is gold. Sometimes, when toddlers are being asked to do something and they don’t respond right away, it’s not because they are being defiant, they literally need a little more time to process what they heard. Wait 10 seconds (count in your head, not out loud) before asking or telling again. 

Get on their level- you are bigger than your toddler! Just the stance you have towering over them can throw them into fight/flight/freeze if the situation is tense. Get on their level so you’re communicating eye to eye. This provides more felt safety and connection for them and at a visceral level, invites connection and “being on the same team” as opposed to a me vs. you situation.  

Avoid no- I do not mean avoid setting boundaries! I mean literally the word “no.” Think about how many times a toddler hears the word no, “no, you can’t do that, no, you can’t play there, no, don’t touch that, no no no!” If you heard no that many times you’d want to kick and scream too! Find a way to tell them what to do instead. At this age, they often do not know the alternative. They don’t know that “no running” actually means “walk.” Give them the information they need to make the decisions you expect them to make. Throwing playdoh? “The playdoh stays in our hands” Bitting? “Ouch! You bit me, biting hurts! You can chew this chewy instead.” Screaming in the house? “Yelling is for outside. Let’s go outside while you yell.” This is actually a difficult skill to develop because we say “no” and “don’t” for so much! It takes practice but you can do it!  

Allow for choices- Kids do not have a whole lot of choice in their day to day. And toddlers need a chance to assert their power. Often this is why things go sideways with toddler. Allowing choices doesn’t mean that we don’t do what we want to do, it gives a little bit of choice within the adult’s limits. So if a child says they won’t put on their shoes in the middle of the winter- you won’t give the choices of to wear or not wear shoes (though I do often do that in the summer time because it isn’t important to me that my child always wears shoes) but a choice might be, you don’t want ot wear those shoes today. You can choose to wear your shoes or your boots. A choice should always be within your comfort level. Sometimes it’s hard to give a choice but most of the time you can come up with something. 

Mantras!- In our household, “Repetition repetition repetition” is one of them! Any time my toddler does something that I thought he had learned or internalized… or should know by now… I have to remind myself that he is a toddler, his development ebbs and flows. He needs to learn, internalize, learn again, internalize again over and over and over before he can really cement it in his brain. Repetition, repetition, repetition! 

Most generous interpretation- this idea comes from Dr. Becky Kennedy and she has a short chapter in her book Good Inside. I love this idea. It basically is the idea of giving the benefit of the doubt to our kids and their behaviors. When a child goes over and kicks the dog how could it not make you so mad!? But the most generous interpretation might be that he is very impulsive and didn’t think through the consequences (dog is hurt, maybe he gets growled at or bitten). It does not mean it’s okay behavior and it doesn’t mean you don’t address the misbehavior but it means you are likely addressing the behavior differently when you go into it with the most generous interpretation. This requires the adult to have developed self regulation and self reflection skills. 

Whenever possible, follow your child’s lead. Whenever necessary, take charge- this comes from the Circle of Security Parenting training. The idea is pretty simple when written out but can be hard to follow when it feels like dinner needs to start now if we’re ever going to get a chance to get to bedtime on time and other potentially high anxiety times. What I have noticed is that at this age, following your child’s lead does not have to take hours… not even 10 minutes sometimes… and the resiliency the toddler gains from a minute or two or five from a connected moment with you will carry them a long way. 

Want more parenting support for the toddler years? Check out my toddler parenting group or reach out for a consultation!