My Perinatal Experience and the Gift of Hindsight

I went into my planned pregnancy determined to have a "positive birth." I very loosely followed the Hypnobabies method and learned as must as I could about how women were designed to grow and deliver babies and how I was going to be a natural at it. I actually spent a LOT of time preparing for my birth and appreciate my body so much more now. Ironically, though, I didn't take any actual child birth ed classes. By "loosely follow" the Hypnobabies method I mean I listened to a few hypnosis recordings, which typically put me immediately to sleep, and realized I was woefully underprepared when I actually went into unmedicated, out of hospital labor.

I learned almost nothing about newborns because I had worked with children... not infants... my entire life and thought I knew all about children. I stand by that I do know a lot about children. I still know almost nothing about newborns.

Being pregnant in my "bubble of positivity" was wonderful though. I had a great pregnancy with zero complications. I didn't even feel anxious when we had to go to maternal fetal medicine because there was a concern with the development of my baby's heart. I knew it would be fine and it was. My pregnancy was beautiful and I assumed I would carry those positive and capable feelings into motherhood.

I did not.

I was not prepared for the level of need that an infant has. I knew that a mom would spend about eight hours a day or more nursing/feeding their baby but I did not consider that some of those hours would interrupt my own sleep. I had no idea I would have to wake the baby up to feed him! I had no idea how frequently the baby would wake up overnight and how long it would take to go back to sleep. I had no idea what sleep deprivation actually felt like until I was a new mom. I also took my belief and validation that my body was made for growing and delivering a baby into postpartum with me. I believed that my body was also made for feeding my baby though it became clear very early on that my body, was in fact, not capable of feeding my baby all on its own. I was not prepared for a low milk supply and all the grief and shame that I experienced around that.

I had no idea that my child would be a child who needed to be held. Constantly. First described to me as a "hold me baby." Boy is that accurate. I had no idea how much my life, my productivity, my functioning would change with the arrival of my bundle of joy. I remember someone asking me how my "pet rock" was doing, insinuating an incredibly easy, low needs blob. I never had a pet rock. There was no newborn bliss stage for me. It was hard work right out of the gate. My baby needed to move constantly, to be held constantly, and was not a good sleeper. That combination paired with my plummeting productivity and low milk supply made the adjustment to motherhood very difficult for me.

I also became painfully aware of all the industries that prey on pregnant and postpartum families who just want the absolute best for their babies. I can't tell you how much money I spent on supplements and bars to increase my milk supply. Not sure than any of them worked. I can't tell you how many sleeping arrangements we tried- cosleeping, mini crib, swing (that one was the most effective), swing in our walk in closet so it was the darkest it could possibly be (not recommended, there are no air vents in closets typically!), snuggle me, standard crib, back to cosleeping. I can't tell you how many times I read the infant sleep charts... wondering what was wrong with me, or my baby, or both of us that he never slept as much as the charts said he should. I can't tell you how often I considered buying courses and programs to help me make him sleep more. The amount of additional anxiety that comes from these industries was crushing in the moment.

What I know now? Babies are incredibly needy. Listening to The Nurture Revolution helped immensely. There was nothing wrong with my baby, he just liked to be held and moved. He didn't need to sleep any more than he was, his body just needed less sleep. And that continues to be the case now. His best friend sleeps three hours a day more than he does even three years later. We weren't doing anything wrong. And making him stay in his crib for longer amounts of time wouldn't make his body need more sleep.... well, I guess if he got so tired from crying without comfort. But I'll save that for another blog :)

I also know now that I needed more help. When I had friends and family help in small ways and big ways it took a huge weight off. One dad friend stopped by to drop something off and noticed the mounting dishes in the sink. He washed them and went on his way. The feeling of relief he gifted me with that one load of dishes is still with me, three years later. The mom friend (his wife) who came over and worked from my house while holding and moving my baby while I took a shower. Priceless. I remember asking a friend who loves to bake if she would please make me lactation cookies. I felt vulnerable and a little ridiculous with that ask but the multiple bags of cookie dough I could bake whenever I wanted was incredible. When I finally hired a postpartum doula (at four months postpartum, typically after they support a family) I was able to get the input of others who had a lot more experience with babies than I had. What I remember is that even the postpartum doula, who had tons of experience, struggled to help him fall asleep. It wasn't just me. He and I and my husband just had to figure it out together. Once I got other people's ideas out of my head (how much the charts say he should sleep, any stigma there was for not being able to put him down without him crying his head off, accepting quite a bit of formula into our feeding routine) I was able to focus being with him and really get to know my incredible son.

My therapist helped me through that journey and now I hope to be a support for other moms and birthing parents so they can move through the grief, disappointment, shock, depression, anxiety, fear, stress, exhaustion, uncertainty, etc. that may come with the arrival of a new family member. In hindsight, I now get why so many people told me "it gets better" and "this is such a short time" though it sure didn't feel that way at the time and if it doesn't for you, that's okay. You're okay, your baby is okay, and you will harness the wisdom inside of you soon enough. But, you don't have to do it alone.